


My Heart Beats Two Beats Too Fast When I'm Around Him

by fringegapphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, M/M, Smoking, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 19:18:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4973080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fringegapphil/pseuds/fringegapphil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil knew what he had gotten himself into when he agreed, but sometimes it's hard to separate sex from emotions. </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Heart Beats Two Beats Too Fast When I'm Around Him

**Author's Note:**

> You can read this [fic](http://fringegapphil.tumblr.com/post/130918915550/my-heart-beats-two-beats-too-fast-when-im-around) on my [tumblr](http://fringegapphil.tumblr.com/)

His lips were soft against my skin, and his eyes were clouded. His back was tensed, and his mouth hung open as moans tumbled out. I felt my heart pang with something more than desire and it hurt because I knew he couldn't feel the same. He saw it, I know he did. 

Whenever we were finished, panting and out of breath, his brown hair stuck to his forehead, I would always lie there as he snuck out of my bedroom. I would curl into myself and feel empty, and I think he knew how I felt but I don't think he cared. I knew what he had said from day one, and I knew he wasn't going to go back on it. He didn't feel the same. This was all fake. 

_"So it's just something we will do, you know, whenever we need too?"_

_"Right. No strings attached, just so we can get off."_

_"Right."_

I was stupid. I fell. I fell for his brown eyes and his naturally curly hair. I fell for the way he felt underneath me. I fell and it was my fault I felt empty. The worst part was that I think he knew.

He would avoid contact with me for a few days after every night we spent together. He wouldn't dare touch me, because he knew I had broken on our agreement. He knew I loved him, but for the time being I controlled it. I pretended it didn't hurt when he sat next to me on the couch and laughed at stupid shows with me. Like I didn't love his smile and his laugh. I pretended because I knew he didn't feel the same and that he would leave if I told him. 

For a while I was okay. I had a crush, that's what I told myself. I could block out those stupid feelings and just enjoy what we had, but then he had to change it. 

"Philip, I need a favor." Dan said, plopping down into my lap. I knew what he needed just by looking at his lust filled eyes. 

I fell into roll as usual. "Oh really? And what might that favor entail?" He moved to straddle me and I ran my hands up his thighs. 

"Well it involves me, you and your," Dan glanced down at my lap and gently ran his fingers over my crotch. "Friend." I sighed, my lips parted and he smirked knowing I had already given in. "What do you say baby?" 

"You already know the answer," I replied, slipping my hands onto his ass and pulling him forward onto my crotch. He bit his lip, rolling his hips down onto me and I cried out in pleasure. Dan always knew how to make me hard and grinding was the best way. Dan placed his hands on the back of the couch and rutted down against my lap. I brought my hands up to the small of his back and dug my fingers into the perfectly smooth skin there. He groaned and his mouth hung open as he continued pleasuring us both. 

"Dan," I said breathlessly. He slowed his movements and looked me in the eyes. 

"Yes baby?" He slide one of his hands down my chest to my pants and popped the button. He smirked as he opened the fly on my jeans and dipped his hands into my pants. "What can I do for you," he said as he leant forward towards my ear. 

"Bedroom," I whispered, my voice hoarse as I felt his hand grip my length. 

"No I think I like it better out here don't you?" He nibbled at my earlobe, kissing down my neck and sucking a hickey onto my collarbone. "I could ride you while sitting on this couch, wouldn't you like that?" I bit my lip and moved my hands up to his shoulder blades, my fingertips hooking over his shoulders so I could pull him down harder onto my lap. 

"We need lube then," I said, I pulled my head back to look at him, and I saw the lust flooding those brown eyes I couldn't seem to keep away from. He smirked and leant forward, inches away from my face. 

"I'll go get it," his eyes dropped to my lips and I sucked in a breath. His eyes met mine again and I still couldn't breathe. His eyes were soft, though still clouded with lust, they were soft. He leant forward and kissed the side of my mouth, just to the right of my lips. I forgot how to breathe. 

He jumped off the couch and walked into his bedroom to retrieve the lube from his bedside table. I was still in shock. He has never shown any sort of affection during these encounters, not to say that he was completely heartless. He just didn't _do_ emotions with sex. He said they didn't mix. He liked them separate because he said that if they mixed it would be too much like a relationships. He didn't do relationships. 

"I can't wait to feel you inside me." Dan whispered in my ear, causing me to jump. "Relax baby," he traced his fingers over my chest as he walked around the couch, plopping down into my lap. "Mm so do you wanna help me out here or not?" His finger tips brushed gently across the crotch of his jeans, teasing both himself and me. 

I reached forwards and undid the zip of his jeans and pulled his pants down off his ass, bringing his boxers down with them. I gripped his member, pumping him as he groaned in anticipation. He reached for the lube and coated three fingers with it, quickly pushing two inside himself. He moaned and I felt my cock twitch just at the sight. With my free hand I pulled my boxers off my crotch so I was fully exposed, and I began jerking us both off together. 

"Phil," he dragged out the vowel, tilting his head back and adding the third finger already. "I want you in me so bad." He pulled his fingers out and smacked my hand away from my dick. He lubed me up, and inched forward so his ass was just above my dick. 

I bit my lip, watching as he took me into his hand and guided himself onto my length. He sighed in relief once I was fully inside of him, placing both hands on my shoulders and wiggling around to adjust himself. Apparently, he hit his spot and he tensed up and moaned. His body tightened around my member and I bit my lip to contain the loud moan that threatened to escape. "Don't," he whispered as he pulled my lip from between my teeth. "I want to hear you."

I stared into his eyes and he did it again, his eyes dropped to my lips, but instead of meeting my eyes, he leant forward and kissed me. His lips were warm and the pressure of them against my own sent me reeling. As he moved his lips against my own, he brought his hips up and slammed them back down. He moaned into the kiss, but he didn't pull away when his lips parted from mine. My eyes were wide with surprise but they closed the moment his hand caressed my cheek. I grabbed his sides and pulled him closer to me making him have to crane his neck to keep our lips attached. 

He kept wiggling his hips and dropping himself down onto my lap every time he lifted himself off. I barely felt anything below the waist, because my mind was completely focused on his soft lips against mind. One of my hands had curled into his hair, and it was smooth and silky and I wished I could run my hands through it forever. 

He pulled back from me, his head tipping forward as he moaned obscenely. He pulled one hand off my shoulder and pumped himself as I assumed he got closer. I placed my hands on his hips and helped him keep moving on my length, feeling myself get closer with every drop of his hips. 

"Dan," I groaned, gripping his hips tighter as I felt myself teetering. Dan moaned above me, his mouth right next to my ear, as he came over our stomachs. His head dropped onto my shoulder and he mumbled something I couldn't understand under his breath. He continued to move on me, letting me use his body even after he was finished. 

"Fuck fuck fuck!" I groaned, digging my nails into his hips as I came, pushing his hips down as far as they would go onto my length and releasing into him. We were both panting and out of breath, but I felt a child like joy because my lips still felt the tingle from where his had been pressed against them. 

Though that joy evaporated when he pulled off of me, and walked away without another glance. I heard the shower turn on, and I felt the hole in my chest open just a bit more. 

 

-  
I waited, of course I waited, for him to get out of the shower. I had cleaned myself up and put on different clothes, but I waited. I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back so I could ask why he did it. Why did he have to change it? Especially when he knew how I felt. He had to know, right?

I heard the door to the bathroom creak open, and the pitter patter of feet on the floor as he walked back out into the lounge. As usual, he walked past me and ignored my existence, as he did after every encounter. This time though, I wasn't going to let it slide. He changed the routine, so I would too. 

"Dan?" I said aloud, getting up from the couch. His eyes went wide but he turned so I couldn't see his face. He made a "humph" noise in response, grabbing his laptop and turning to leave. 

"Dan I need to talk to you." He went to run out of the room when I grabbed his arm and pulled his laptop away from him. He glared at me, but I placed his laptop on the couch anyways, standing in front of it. "Dan I'm serious."

"What could you possibly want Phil?" I didn't except his attitude, nor did I think he would be so upset about talking after we had sex. I had never experienced this side of Dan, not really, so it threw me off for a moment. I stared, wide eyed at him, and his eyes softened when he saw the doubt that flashed across my features. He didn't stand down though, he didn't take it back or apologize. 

"Why did you do it?" My voice was tiny in the huge room, not even echoing as it was uttered. Dan stood in silence, and I knew he heard me. The air between us was thick and it felt like I was breathing in soup with every breath I took. Dan's eyes reddened, water built just inside his eyes, but he turned away before I could see if he was truly crying or if he was just angry. 

"I wanted to try something new." Dan said lowly, his voice gravely and deep. It was my turn to have watery eyes, except I knew for a fact that I was crying. Tears dripped down my cheeks and I didn't bother to wipe them away. I wouldn't spare Dan guilt, as he hadn't spared my feelings. 

"You knew how I was Dan." I croaked. "You knew what I felt." Tears fell onto my t-shirt, I felt weak at the knees. "How could you do that?"

"It isn't my fault you broke the agreement. We said no strings attached. You fell Phil, you did this to yourself." His voice was gruff and he didn't turn around to me when he left the room. 

"Dan you can't run away from this!" I yelled after him, my voice shaking immensely. He locked himself in his room before I could get to him and I stumbled into my own room numbly. 

I cried that night for a few hours before my mind went numb and I couldn't think of anything but Dan's lips against my own. His words rang in my ears as I finally fell into a dreamless sleep.

_You fell Phil, you did this yourself_   he knew. 

-  
It was days before Dan even glanced my way, and nearly a week and a half before he said a word to me. Eventually we worked it out, but I couldn't help feeling like an exposed nerve whenever his skin brushed against mine. He would flinch away, but I wanted nothing more than to take him into my arms and hold him forever. _He doesn't feel the same_ my mind repeated over and over in a mantra of mocking noise. 

Though out of the blue one day, I woke up to a warm weight beside me. I jolted into full awareness when the weight settled and two long tan arms wrapped their way around my mid-section. I blinked in confusion but I felt a head rest on my shoulder, and snuggle down onto my chest. The chestnut hair that tickled my neck made my eyes water because I knew it was him. I tried to think if we had had sex and he had just forgotten to leave, but I remembered the night before as popcorn and rerun movies. 

I didn't dare move. I couldn't tell if he was asleep, but I knew he would get defensive if he knew I was awake. I kept my eyes shut, but it was hard too when I felt his hands pull my arms around his body. I kept my breathing even, even though I felt every pump of my erratic heart-beat. 

His head lifted off my chest, then I felt the tip of his chin settle gently back onto my breast bone. I wanted so bad to open my eyes, I felt his eyes on my face and I wanted to look and see those beautiful brown ones staring back. I wanted to see the way he looked at me, know why he was lying here with me in the early hours of the morning. 

"I love you, Phil." My heart stopped. My breath caught, but I had to keep it even so he would continue. "I love you, so much, and I know maybe you feel the same way." I was so close to opening my eyes, to kissing him. The hole inside my chest didn't look so big now. I could tell he was going to say more though, so I stayed like I was. "And that's why I can't be with you." My heart stopped, but this time, not in a 'I'm-so-happy-this-is-happening' way. No. More of a 'you-can't-do-this' kind of way. I knew what his words were going to be before he spoke them. 

"I'm sorry Phil." His lips pressed against my cheek softly, like he thought I was asleep. Maybe he did. I wouldn't know, I didn't know Dan Howell. The man I thought didn't have feelings for me. The man who I thought could never love me back. The man who tore my heart out of my chest and left a gaping hole in its wake. 

When I finally opened my eyes, he was gone and so was all of his stuff. 


	2. My Head is in the Clouds but My Heart is Still Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As requested, I've made this a three part fic. Hopefully this part isn't as heartbreaking as the last. (Also, i know it's short but this is a filler chapter for the next one).

After he left with all his stuff, I couldn't keep myself together. I was a wreck, my world collapsing like a fragile egg being stepped on. It was the most painful thing I've felt in a while, and losing him left nothing but emptiness. I tried everything to contact him, but he never answered my pleas. He cut himself from me completely and left a trail of heart-ache in his wake. 

And the universe has a funny way of ripping you apart and leaving blood spattered walls and wounds that won't heal. The universe, it seems, knows how much I wanted to love Dan and bring him home, so it put him in my path. Two weeks, three days and four hours after Dan left, he re appeared. Not only that, but he reappeared in the form of a fragile boy who took to smoking because he couldn't hold himself together without it. When I saw him, I broke a bit more, but I knew he wouldn't want to see me crying, so I held myself together for him. I approached him like you would approach a fearful animal, with baby steps. He saw me two steps from my car, his eyes going wide and the lit cigarette falling from his lips. The smoke that was on it's way down to his lungs was redirected out of his open mouth, the greyish wisps getting caught in the wind and blown away. 

I saw his arms tense and his legs taking a running stance. “Dan wait!” I called to him, but before it reached his ears, he took off running. He jumped in an old beat up car and whipped out of the car park before I could think to stop him. I was left in the dust, along with the black skid marks across the gravel. My legs moved for me, in the direction of my own car, and my arms slammed the door shut. 

When I took a look in the rear view mirror, I saw red clouded eyes and pink tear stains on my cheeks. I wiped my tears away harshly with my sleeve, all while wondering if Dan had seen them before he took off. 

-

I had taken to sleeping on the couch after Dan left, I felt like it had the least amount of memories stored in it. Dan's bed was where he slept, and it smelled too much like him, my bed is where he told me he loved me, the couch on the other hand had only been the center of a few affairs along the road. The only place with less significant place holders in my mind was the floor, and I found that sleeping on the floor leaves room for more loneliness. As you stretch you don't find an edge, and the floor doesn't provide any warmth, leaving you feeling more lonely than you had before you laid there. At least that's what I've found, and the tear stains on the floor can prove that theory. 

So the couch will do, and if anything I could pretend the pillow I brought out to sleep with is a person. Though that only served to make me feel more pain because I knew he wasn't there. And if he was, he wouldn't be sleeping next to me, he would be in his room and I in mine. I also wouldn't have been thinking about his lips if he was there, because if he really loved me, maybe I wouldn't have to just think about them. I wouldn't have to think about what it would feel like to kiss him again. The first time he kissed me was during sex so it was hazy, and I wished with everything in me to feel those lips against mine again. I knew they were rough, because he bit them a lot, and I know that he tasted like coffee because that's the only thing he drank in the morning. 

These thoughts kept my mind awake most nights, but I think for once I was spared sleep because these thoughts lulled me to sleep. It was a dreamless one, but it was also a short one. Because at nearly 3am, there was a knock on the front door. 

I wasn't going to answer it, who would? I was planning on stuffing my face as far into the pillow as possible to drown out the noise, when I felt the knocks getting more hesitant. As if a fire was lit inside me, I jumped off the couch. I couldn't tell you what it was, but I knew it was him. Something put fire in my heart and butterflies in my stomach. Something caused me to choke on air and run at full force down the tiny stairwell to the door. I pulled open the door in the early hours of the morning to see him standing in his black skinny jeans and a leather jacket I assumed he got at a thrift shop somewhere around town. And suddenly I couldn't move. My hand froze to the door and my mouth hung open as he stared at me through his curly brown fringe. As if he knew I couldn't move, he pushed me by the chest inside the apartment. 

He slammed the door shut, loud enough to wake the neighbors, and pushed me up against the nearest wall. His mouth found mine and my dreams came true, if you will. He immediately slipped his tongue into my mouth and he tasted like mouth wash with the slightest hint of nicotine and I was in love with it already. While his lips were molded against mine, his hands were feeling around my chest and reaching the zipper on my pants as they got lower. As his hands pulled my jeans down, he pinned me against the wall with his chest. I felt my neck straining as I kept our lips pressed together, not wanting to break away from him. He was brushing his fingers over my member through my boxers though, and I couldn't help the whimper that pushed our lips apart. 

“Dan wait,” I said after pulling away. He peered at me through his fringe, his mouth open as he panted and our breath mingling when he didn't pull far enough away. 

“Phil let me show you that I love you, in the only way I know how.” Dan dropped to his knees, his eyes never leaving mine. I pressed my hands to the wall and I didn't object when he pulled my boxers down. He took me into his hand, his eyes finally breaking away from mine so he could look at what he was doing. I bit my lip when he leant forward and wrapped his lips around my tip. I sucked in air through my teeth when he started moving, and I felt his hand guide mine to the back of his head. I gripped at his curly hair, threading my fingers through the curls and pulling. He moaned around me, making me puff out a breath of air. 

“Fuck Dan,” I pushed my hips forward into his mouth, and that only encouraged him to go faster. Every time he would  get to the end his tongue would run over my slit and I moaned louder because of it. His hands found my hips and he pulled them towards him, encouraging me to push them harder so I entered his mouth with more force. 

I moaned loudly when he sucked his cheeks in, his warm, wet mouth constricting around my member. "Dan oh god." He moaned back, his eyes raising to meet mine as I came into the back of his throat. He didn't flinch, but his throat closed around my tip, making me shudder and close my eyes from pleasure. 

He pulled off not to long after, standing up and leaning in close to me. I cracked my eyes open enough to see him leaning in, and I felt his lips press roughly against mine. He glided his lips across mine his nose bumping mine and his forehead knocking gently against my own. 

He then pulled me towards his used to be bedroom and pushed me on the bed, which still had his duvet he hadn't managed to take with him. For a moment I thought he wanted sex, I was still half naked after all, but when I saw him hesitate at the foot of the bed I knew better. 

"Dan?" His eyes met mine, but they were clouded not with lust but with remorse and sadness. "Come here." I beckoned, and he crawled forward into my arms. I wrapped myself securely around him as he shook and tears dropped onto my chest. I knew it was hard for him, all of this, so held him as he broke down. Sometimes I knew he was confident and could walk the ground most wouldn't dare too, but times like this I knew he was fragile and the broken boy inside him was exposed. I knew he needed comfort. 

I held him as he shook, and cried and even sobbed, until he eventually fell asleep. 

I didn't know what to expect when I woke up in the morning, but the note I got definitely wasn't it. 

_I'm sorry Phil, but I'm not done loving you yet._

I didn't know what to think, but the fact that he left a note made way for some reassurance in my heart. I didn't know what he meant, and yes, it still hurt that he left, but he loved me. Dan Howell loved me. 


	3. Band-aids Don't Fix Broken Hearts, but They Hold Them Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3/3 of “My Heart Beats Two Beats Too Fast When I'm Around Him” don't ask why I made it three parts, because I'll just tell you something stupid like 'suspense'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad I'm finished writing! Although it was fun to write, so i can't complain.

I don't know how I knew where to find that stupidly beautiful boy, but I found him on the first try. The old car park behind the back of the nearly abandoned store, just where I had seen him last time. Again he was holding a lit cigarette between his pale pink lips, and his hands were tucked into the pockets of his too-tight jeans. He wasn't a sight for the other, two or so, people who had probably passed by him, but to me he was beacon of light. He had damaged my heart, but he still drew me in. 

I pulled up a little ways in front on him, and got out of my car without turning it off. If this were to go like last time, I wouldn't need to turn it off. His head tilted up when he heard my door slam, but he was unreadable. His expression was blank as far as I could tell and I wished to know what he was thinking. 

I gently approached him, but he didn't move. His eyes scanned my body, but he didn't move, and I took that as a good sign. I walked until I was directly in front of him, and I let out the breath I had been holding from relief. 

“Hey,” I tilted my head, drinking in _him_. His hair, which remained curly after not straightening it, I always loved his natural hair. His eyes, which were brown but had the prettiest sparks of gold in them, and they held in them his world, what he saw and I hoped he only saw the best in everything. His lips, which were poised around the lit cigarette, while he was still sucking on, breathing out the smoke through the corner of his mouth. His body, his ears, his nose, I could go on forever about how perfect he was, but I found that my words, or word, hadn't sparked any interest in him. He remained silent, and I suppose maybe he was contemplating an answer of some sort but I couldn't wait for that. 

“You know that those aren't good for you,” I nodded towards his cigarette, and wondered briefly where on earth he had gotten them. For another agonizing moment, he didn't answer, instead he turned his head down to look at his shoes. 

“I'm aware,” His voice was hoarse and I couldn't tell if it was from the cigarette, last night or from the sheer amount of emotion he held in those two stupid words. When he met my eyes again I decided it was the last one, because his eyes were red-rimmed and his nose began to turn red. His lips were turned up in a smirk, but it wasn't happy. He wasn't happy. “I've found that smoking kills you faster.”

“And that's a good thing huh?” It was my turn to be sad, and really, no one could blame me. Here is the one person I'm in love with, telling me that he wants to essentially die. 

“In certain situations, yes.” He answered, blowing more smoke out of his mouth. And as if I had been electrocuted, I felt something snap. 

“So this is one of those situations then? Loving me is so damn hard that you want to put yourself six feet under?” I couldn't contain the tears that dripped down my cheeks. I wiped them away harshly with my sleeve, knowing it was pointless because he already saw them. I turned away, ready to run away from this like he had the day before, when a hand gripped onto my arm.

Dan spun me around and pulled me into him, hugging me around my midsection. My arms were limp but his face was buried in my shirt and his nails dug into my back. 

“Don't leave me Phil, please.” His voice was tiny, soon enough I felt a damp spot on my chest and heard sobs falling from his lips. I inhaled deeply, grabbing at Dan's shoulders lightly and pushing him away. “Phil?”

“Dan I'm sorry, I know you have this whole thing with relationships and loving people,” It was hard to say, it was, and I choked on my words trying to get them out. “But I can't deal with this. Loving you is too damn painful, and honestly? I don't know if ill ever be okay with chasing you around until you figure it out.” Dan jumped back, his whole body shaking like I had punched the air out of him. Maybe I had. He inched backwards until his back hit the brick wall behind him and he pressed himself to it. Tears ran freely down his face, and I wanted so badly to hug him and tell him I was lying. But I couldn't. I couldn't because at this rate I would be selling my soul to be with him, everyday he ran away from me, everyday after he left was another day I was drowning. I was being ripped apart at the seams and I thought he would stitch me back up, like he had last night, but he would just come back and cut the threads holding me together again and again. I was dying to be with him, but I was dying trying to get there. 

This time I turned around and jumped in my car. I left as fast as I could, because I didn't want to see the aftermath. I knew he was dying in a way I hadn't ever know before, but I couldn't save him, only he could save himself. 

The trip home was blurry, mostly because my eyes were filled with tears the whole way there. Every time I stopped in traffic I wanted to get out of my car and run back to him. Though with the last shreds of self-control I had, I kept my hands glued to the wheel. I felt regret pulsing through my system but I couldn't go back. I just couldn't.

-

If it were possible, I probably would've cried myself to death. I broke down and cried, and didn't stop crying for almost a week straight. Every moment awake was another moment spent with salty tears running down my face. I had never cried over someone this much, but this was _Dan_. Dan was my best friend, he was my partner in everything and he was someone I know that I could have loved for the rest of my life. He was everything I wanted and everything I couldn't have. He changed my life for good in so many ways, but because I loved him, and because he _couldn't_ love me, my life was straying away from those good things. 

And one night as I felt myself becoming drained of all energy left, I heard my phone ring. The familiar tone made me wipe away my eyes and stare at the screen to recognize who it was. Though when I finally focused on the screen, I immediately dropped my phone back to the couch. The caller ID read Dan's name and his photo, which was of both of us smiling together, mocked me. 

The phone rang once, twice, and on the third ring I was already itching to pick the damn phone up. I knew there was only a few rings left, and as I sat on my hands staring at the phone, I felt my resolve crumbling. 

My restraint broke completely and snatched the phone up, clicking answer and holding the phone to my ear. “Hello?” I said, my eager tone noticeable to even myself. I sounded desperate I know I did. 

“Hello? Is this Phil- Lester?” The drawn out 'l' in my first and last name was spoken by someone I didn't recognize. It definitely wasn't Dan, the man's voice on the other side of the phone was far too deep. 

“Yes, who is this?” I was mad, and worried, everything coming through when I responded to the guy. 

“This is Mark, I- uh- just called you cause your name was starred on your friend's contact list-”

“How did you get Dan's phone? Where is he? Is he okay?” I clutched my phone, quite literally on the edge of my seat. 

“He's fine, he just drank a bunch.” I heard shuffling and then the man's voice again. “He is in no state to drive home and he can't answer where he lives,” More shuffling. “And he doesn't have a wallet, so I just wanted to call someone and see if they wanted to come pick him up.” 

“Where is he?”

“We're outside Jared's Bar, you can't miss me I'm wearing a bright green shirt.” I was already grabbing my keys and running down the stairs.

“I'll be there as soon as I can.” I jumped in my car and ripped out of the lot. I searched up the bar as I drove, knowing that behavior was dangerous in more ways than one. I didn't care though, because I needed Dan. All the restraint holding me from running back to him broke the minute I picked up the phone. 

I drove as fast as I could, my car's wheels screeching against the road as I turned down each street. When I actually got to the one I wanted to be at, I slammed on the brakes as I parked outside the small bar. I jumped out of the car and made my way to the front where I saw a fluorescent green shirt stocking out against the dark bricks. I started jogging, then running until I got over to the guy- Mark, and as I approached he seemed to notice my presence. 

"You must be Phil." Mark said, a faint smile on his lips. I nodded and he turned around to point to the splayed out body on the pavement. "He's as gone as it gets." Mark uttered behind me, but I wasn't listening, because I was feeling overprotective of the boy before me. 

"Dan! Dan can you hear me?" I knelt beside him, tapping his cheeks to try and get a response.

"Dude I told you he's out of it-" I turned around and glared at Mark, and he snapped his jaw shut. I sat Dan up against the bricks, and immediately knew he was unconscious, his head titled back at an uncomfortable angle and his mouth hung open. I bit my lip, turning back to Mark, who was standing with his arms crossed and concern on his features.

“I'm going to take him home,” I didn't know what I meant by 'home' considering that Dan left. In reality, I had no idea where Dan had been staying or if he even had a place to stay. It made me sad to think Dan had been wandering the streets, or driving around in his old car, sleeping in the backseat and eating fast food.

Mark nodded and helped me take Dan to my car. As I got in the front seat, Dan sitting next to me unconscious, I felt nostalgia wash over me. I missed Dan, that was obvious, but having him here and not having to argue or have him not requite my love was drawing me back to our past. We had been friends with benefits, but even then, our friendship was the most important thing to us.

~  
_"Phil have you seen my cerea- Phil!” Dan's voice was lighthearted and he laughed as he walked over to me. I smiled with full cheeks of cereal, some of it falling out of my mouth. Dan rolled his eyes and took the box from me. “I hate you, you cereal hog!” He shook the box and glared at me when it made a hollow noise._

_“Sorry,” I said, spitting out more cereal._

_“Okay, gross.” He smiled and threw the box away. “Looks like I'm going to have to eat all of your cookies.” He grabbed the box of cookies I had on the counter top and my eyes went wide._

_“No Dan!” He giggled and took off running, me following directly behind him. He got to his bedroom and closed the door in my face. It nearly hit me in the face, and that's when I got the idea. “Ow!” I shouted, holding my nose and pretending the door had hit me. Seconds later the door opened and I stood my hand over my nose and fake tears welling in my eyes._

_“Oh no! I'm sorry Phil,” Dan dropped the cookies and tried to hug me when I bent over, collected the box and took off running. “Hey you faker!” He caught me on the couch, where he pinned me down and we both laughed until we were red in the face._

~  
I guess we forgot about how much we needed each other, not just as lovers but as friends. We needed each other to laugh with and cry with because no matter how much we denied it, we were best friends before anything else. We were friends. Friends. If I needed to be strictly friends with Dan, then I would strictly be friends with him. I needed him.

I drove home in silence, my jaw clenched as I told myself I could do this. I could just be friends with Dan.

-  
I had a hard time carrying Dan into the flat. He matched me in weight and outmatched me in height, causing a huge imbalanced when I tried to lift him. I decided to carry him bridal style up to the flat where I placed him in his own room. Since I was still sleeping on the couch, I chose to just put him on his side and leave the room. I tried my hardest to sleep when I laid down on the couch, but knowing Dan was so close kept my eyes open.

For hours. In fact, I think I only managed to doze off when I saw the first streaks of light stretch through the windows. At that point I didn't think sleep was a good idea, considering the fact that Dan was most likely going to get up soon. I didn't want to be asleep when he left this time, because I wanted to talk to him.

And as if he read my mind, I heard footsteps padding down the hallway. I sat upright and jumped off the couch to reach him. He was nearly to the kitchen when, “Dan!” He froze up then grabbed his head, turning around slowly.

“Dan.” I said in a softer tone _._

_I walked over and took him in my arms._ _“I missed you so fucking much,” I whispered. “I'm sorry for what I said. I know you aren't okay with relationships but I want you back. I need you, whether it be as a lover or not. I need you.”_

Well that's what I wanted to say, what I wanted to do. But Dan was already walking towards me, so I opened my arms expecting a hug. What I got was nowhere close to a hug. He pushed me out of his way, nearly sending me to the floor as he stormed towards the exit. When I shook myself off and my resolve returned, I stood up and faced his retreating figure.

“So that's it!? This is how we are going to end?” I yelled at his back, making him freeze.

He turned around. “It ended the second you left me in that car park, Phil.” He was seething, his words hissed through his teeth.

“Yeah well you didn't seem to have a problem with leaving me!” He got closer to me, his eyes boring into mine as he slowly inched me back against a wall.

“I was still figuring it out Phil, I've told you before I don't do 'love'. Seeing you confused the hell out of me, I'm not suppose to be in love but I am, and you had to push me into something I wasn't ready for!” He slammed me back against the wall making me wince. I thought back to then, and asked myself; did I push my feelings on him? He still came back to the apartment that night.

“You came back.” I pointed out, my breaths uneven after getting the wind knocked out of me.

“'Cause I love you.” Dan leant in and pressed his lips to mine. My eyes shot open wide, my body going rigid.

I was confused. Dan wasn't suppose to kiss me he was suppose to run away. That's how our story has gone so far. But Dan loved me, which didn't help put any of this in context. Dan has always been distant with feelings bigger than himself. He was happy, he was mad, he was sad, but he never went further. He was never gleeful or enraged, he was never doleful. He was the surface level of every emotion, he never dove in head first and let himself feel, but right now? Right now he was everything and anything all at once. When he pushed his lips harder against mine he was raw and when he bit my lip he was dangerous, and when he slid his tongue past my lips he was crazy, and so in love. I felt his emotions, the ones he locked up in a cage inside his heart, pour past my lips and enter my veins. I couldn't tell you where he began and where I ended, because we were anything but alone in that moment of truth.

Then the moment ended as Dan pulled away. I was out of breath and so was he, but he wiped his lips and walked out the door.

-  
By this time I had accepted that Dan wasn't going to be a constant in my life. I decided he was going to be a constant in my mind but his presence would be spent elsewhere doing god knows what. He was insistent on breaking me apart and I didn't think I had enough glue to put myself together again. I was utterly fucked.

But what perplexed me the most was the fleeting moment that had me running out the door after him, tears blurring my vision, trying desperately to latch onto him. He was gone though, disappeared before I could catch him.

Once again though I chased after him, searching high and low for him. I didn't bother with the car park, because my gut told me that he wouldn't be there. I search for him, until I found my mind scraping through memories to find a suitable place for a hung over man to go.

A bar.

I skidded to a halt in the deserted road, making a sharp turn and heading towards the bar he was at the previous night. It was a stretch, but if anything I tried to find him. As I drove over I thought of the possibility of me finding Dan again, because in the infinite universe I had already found him three times. The probability that I would see him again was low but it was just enough to make me try.

I pulled into the car park of the bar, unbuckling my seat belt and jumping out of the car. I saw Dan's car carelessly parked across a few lines, and rushed inside. As soon as I pushed the doors open the music vibrating through the small area hit me in the face and the smell of alcohol and floor cleaner filled my nostrils. I waded through the groups of people, sticking my chin in the air trying to get a view above their heads. It wasn't hard considering the fact that I was taller than most of them, but the few oddballs interrupted my line of view as I scanned over them. I looked for his hair, which was still curly and out of place, around the bar stools and I spotted him within seconds. Truthfully, I wished I hadn't.

Dan was sat with his legs dangling off either side of a bar stool, his arms wrapped around a bleach blonde's neck, lips fitted to the other man's mouth. It was like everything was going in slow motion, he pulled away and the man smiled at him, Dan returned it with a little bit less enthusiasm. Not like this guy would notice with Dan sitting in his lap. People bumped into me but I couldn't move my eyes were glued to them. And I wondered for the first time if Dan had been lying. If he just told me he loved me so he could run away and be with this guy. The guy who was more than anything I could ever be.

Dan's head turned slightly, then all at once in my direction, and his smile dropped off his face. I shook my head, tears already present on my cheeks, and backed into the crowd. Our eyes were locked as he climbed of the mans lap and rushed towards me. I turned around and bolted towards the door, pushing through people and ignoring their insults. As I got outside I finally felt like I could breath but it didn't ease the stabbing inside my chest. I clutched at my shirt as I ran towards my car, sobs echoing around in the small, empty area around the bar.

“Phil wait!” It's funny how I had said the same thing to him as he ran away. It's also funny how I didn't stop, just like he hadn't. I put my car in reverse, my seat belt still not in place, and backed out of the space I was in. As I looked back in front of me, I saw him standing in the middle of the lane, a frown planted on his face. I averted my eyes and drove past him without stopping. In the read view mirror I saw him turn towards me but I didn't stop for him. He didn't love me, because if he did he wouldn't have been kissing some other guy. I didn't really want to hear his explanations, because I knew I would believe him because I was in love with him. Because he fucked up my perception with his stupid eyes and hair and lips.

I slammed my hands against the wheel, sniffling and trying to see past my tears. I gulped down the sobs that were coming up my throat and tried to get home without crashing.

-  
I guess you can say I expected the knock on my door in the early hours of the morning, and you could also guess that I knew who it was. I knew that if I answered the door Dan would be standing there. I honestly wasn't sure if I was ready to see him because I didn't know how I would handle it. So many things could happen in the seconds after I opened the door. I wasn't going to answer it, but he was insistent, the knocking didn't end even after a straight ten minutes of it.

I finally decided to answer it, so with a heavy heart, I brought myself to the door and unlocked it. I had only opened it a bit inwards when I felt a shove at it. I stood my ground though, not letting him in even when he pushed against it with all his might.

“Phil let me in god dammit!” He yelled, pushing harshly against the wooden frame. I dug my heel into the rug to hold out against him.

“No Dan just go away! You already fucked everything up just leave!” I gave one final shove against the door successfully pushing the door closed in his face. I locked the lock quickly, and that's when the pounding began again.

“Phil I still have right to be in there! My stuff is in there!”

“Yeah well you haven't been paying rent for months now so no, you don't. Give it up Dan I don't want to see you anymore.”

Everything went silent.

“Please let me in, I want to explain.” It was quieter than the rest of his words, but I still heard it. I pulled the door open to see him leaning against the wall next to the door.

“What do you want to explain Dan? How you lied to me?” I growled. He looked at me then, his face contorting into one that was much more angry.

“I never lied to you!” He made his way inside, inching closer to me.

“Really? Because if I remember correctly you said you would never love me, then you confess that your in love with me while I'm asleep. Excuse me if I feel a bit confused.” He pushed his chest against mine, getting steadily closer to my face and backing me into the flat. I closed my eyes and tried to back away from him, feeling raw after all I saw and him being right here in front of me.

He then pushed me up against the wall, his hands gripping my shoulders tightly and his nails digging into my skin. I felt his breath on my face as he was so close to me, but I refused to open my eyes in the slightest. He was breathing heavily and so was I and I was tensed at the shoulders. I knew he was staring at me, I felt his eyes boring into my closed ones, but I wouldn't give in. I couldn't- he hurt me, and I knew he was going to explain but I didn't want to here it.

“Look at me, please.” He said, not in the nicest way. His voice was rough and rushed and I could hear it beginning to crack. I knew he was crying, or at least close to tears, his voice always did that when he was crying. Usually I would be quick to help him and brush away the tears but I couldn't this time. He ruined my heart for sure this time, seeing with someone else tore apart my very soul. I was crumbling under him, the weight of loving him was pulling me apart. My limbs were tearing away from my body, it felt like my head was about to explode with the thoughts rushing through it. I was breaking, and this time I don't know if I could be fixed. 

“Dammit Phil, open you eyes!” He hands squeezed my shoulders, and I paused. I took a deep breath as I tore open my eyes, seeing his dark brown ones staring right back. Those eyes I adored so much.

“Why Dan, why do want me to suffer?” My voice broke, and a tear slipped down my cheek. I was mad and sad and everything in between and the tears that fell from my eyes were because of the anger that was built up inside of me. “You made me believe you. You won, I fell for you. Congratulations.” I saw his eyes reflecting the anger that was in mine. We were both horribly broken, and messed up, grasping onto what we wanted not what we needed.

And we kissed. It wasn't slow, it was rough, tongue and teeth and I felt his nails digging into my shoulders. I brought my hand up to cup his cheek and I scratched the skin there. He moaned, only deepening the kiss and I hated it. I grabbed his waist and pulled him against me and dug my nails into his hips. My teeth latched onto his lip and I sucked on it feeling the soft skin under my tongue. I felt him wrap his arms around my neck and I lost it. I pushed him away and wiped at my wronged lips and I gave him the most disgusted look I could. It wasn't hard, I felt so foul. I moved closer and got close to his lips once more and he sucked in air. His eyes were half-lidded and he was panting and so so beautiful.

“I hate you.” I kissed his neck and sucked a mark there, knowing that if he did leave again at least he wold have to see evidence of me on himself. “I hope he was fucking worth it.” I growled against his neck and I bit him. I felt a rumble under my lips, he was moaning. I pushed him away and I saw lust forming in his eyes.

“Fuck you.” He said, and moved in to kiss me roughly again, but I stopped him and turned away. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and my legs were barely able to keep me up.

“Leave,” I whispered, and when he didn't move I screamed it at him. This time he moved, opening the door and slamming it shut as he went.

I was numb. My body was sweaty but I felt nothing. I'm sure I tasted blood from where his teeth had caught my lips, but I didn't care. I let out a choked sob I had no idea I was holding.

And I collapsed.

I began sobbing full in my throat and I felt wave after wave of sudden sorrow consume me. I picked up the glass that held my drink earlier this morning and thew it across the room. It hit the wall and shattered, much like I felt my heart did. I was nearly unable to breathe as the aching in my chest from the sobs made my lungs feel like they had collapsed. I grabbed my hair and tugged, willing myself to wake up and this all be a dream. I fell down the wall where I was just moments ago pushed up against. The tiny wails that escaped my mouth were covered by my hands. I felt overwhelming loneliness, and sadness and god I was falling apart at the seems. My head fell back, and I cried. Little 'whys' leaving my lips with the near screams. I wished I hadn't fallen for him, I wished I had never met him because the pain of loving him hurt worse than anything I could've imagined.

I pulled my knees into my chest and hugged them, letting salty tears drip down my face. I passed out from exhaustion not to long after.  
-

I woke up with an aching back, and a sore throat. My eyes opened slightly, and I saw the dull glow of the light above my head, and for a moment I couldn't remember how I needed up on the floor. Then it all came rushing back. Just the thought of last night left my head pounded and my heart aching. Dan was gone now, probably forever. I told him to leave, and he did, and god knows where he went after that. I hoped he didn't stay with someone else. Not that it would matter anyways.

I was trying to get over him right? I mean he destroyed my heart and left me feeling worse then ever before. How could I keep chasing after him?

I could. I know I could because I needed him. Every time I tried to tell myself I didn't I was lying. I know I needed him even if he didn't need me and maybe that's why I was determined to go after him. I knew I was bound to get hurt every time, but I loved him, and even if my brain was telling me that it was stupid my heart was telling me to go after him.

So that's what I did.

I got off the floor, ignoring my back pains and rushed to the door. I swung it open, ready to leave in a hurry when I tripped and fell onto the hallways cold linoleum floor. I groaned, my arms now aching along with everything else. I turned over and sat up, and froze.

Opposite of me was Dan, sitting upright with drooping eyes and messy hair. He rubbed at his eyes, yawned and stretched himself out, yelping as pain probably shot up his back like mine had. If he had slept on the floor, then I would understand.

“H-Have you been out here all night?” I stuttered, pulling my legs off of him.

“Yeah, when you told me to leave I left but then I thought about how I didn't get to explain to you why I did what I did...i figured you wouldn't want to see me again, considering everything. I just wanted to talk to you though so I was prepared to stay out here all day too until you left.”

“You stayed out here all night, waiting for me. Why didn't you knock?” Not that I wanted him to knock, I probably would've ended up hurting him, I was too unnerved and raw after he left.

“I heard you.” I paled, he had heard my meltdown. My mouth dried and my tongue stuck as I tried to swallow. “I'm so sorry Phil. I never meant to hurt you. When I went to the bar everything was hazy, and I felt exposed. I told you I've never loved anyone before, and I know that's no excuse for what I did, but I was hoping maybe it was a fluke. I kissed that guy because I wanted to see if I felt anything but I didn't Phil, I felt empty and wrong kissing him. I realized I wanted to be with you.” A dam broke and tears spilled over onto his cheeks. “Only you.” He lifted his hand to wipe away the tears but I grabbed his wrist. He looked at me, and I imagined he saw tears staining my cheeks as well. I pulled him forward into my lap and held him tightly. He wrapped his arms around my shoulder and sobbed into the crook of my neck, and I cried into his shoulder.

I thought I knew Dan Howell, but I didn't because the Dan Howell I knew didn't show these kinds of emotions. In fact, he didn't show them at all. He was happy, sad, angry but never anything deeper than that. The boy I held in the hallway was nothing like that. He was broken. But so was I.

We needed each other, and maybe we were doomed to be a mess but as long as we held onto each other I could see us keeping our heads out of the water. I could see us not drowning. I could see us fixing each other with band-aids, and yeah, band-aids don't fix broken hearts, but they hold them together.


End file.
